“If you don’t get it from yourself, where will you go for it?” – Toni Morrison
I love this quote because it offers a powerful reminder: our inner world is the only place we truly have control. When we learn to turn inward for the things that we would normally seek externally, we find that we want for nothing.
How is this helpful in a world where we tend to believe that we want or need something outside of ourselves?
Consider The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman, which outlines five core ways people give and receive love:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
Let’s say you thrive on Words of Affirmation. You feel your best when someone tells you, “You’re doing great,” or acknowledges your effort, but what happens when no one is around or they are unwilling to offer such words?
If you know affirming words calm your anxiety or boost your confidence, why wait for someone else to give them to you? You can speak them to yourself, daily. You can record voice memos or jot down simple reminders like:
- I showed up fully today.
- I’m making consistent progress.
- I’m proud of the way I handled that situation.
Pro tip: Write those positives down. Keep the list in your phone or on your desk. Read it daily. Let it be your inner encouragement when external validation is scarce.
And this doesn’t just apply to words.
- If your love language is Receiving Gifts, gift yourself something thoughtful—even a coffee, a flower, or a handwritten note.
- If it’s Quality Time, carve out space to be alone without distractions—maybe an early morning ritual or a quiet walk.
- If it’s Physical Touch, give yourself a massage, wrap yourself in a cozy blanket, or hold your own hand in moments of grounding.
- If it’s Acts of Service, do something helpful just for you—clean your space, prep a healthy meal, set out your clothes for the morning.
If you’re game, here are a few next steps to put this into action:
- Identify your primary love languages. You can visit this site for a free assessment: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
- Brainstorm ways that you can give it to yourself.
Here is an AI prompt that you can use to get the ball rolling!
“I took a love language assessment and found that my primary love languages are [your assessment results here]. I am currently going through [describe a challenge or opportunity for growth that is current for you]. Please give me 10 ways that I could support myself with regard to my primary love languages that I could do on my own, without any external dependency.”
What’s your love language, and how can you start giving it to yourself today?
Remember, you are already whole and lack for nothing.
If you found this insightful or helpful in any way, please let me know. I would love to hear if something new comes out of your brainstorming or the AI prompt!
You can email me at: mike@mikemendezcoaching.com
Live the dream,
Mike